Sunday, July 18, 2010

My Undying Hatred For American Apparel...

You know, I'm not one for censorship (well not really, I feel we censor the wrong things such as curse words and the amount of nudity in movies/tv that is meant for adults... where as we should be censoring things like Paris Hilton, Jersey Shore and the Bachelorette). But this store is out of control.

Initially I hated American Apparel for the normal reasons... nothing there fits me, the staff are stuck up hipster cunts (that includes the tall skinny gay black men that also work there) and their clothing is so overpriced. I have this friend (we'll just call him Chris S) who shops at AA (which isn't the AA he needs FYI) and it is like a jihad on my soul. I have to walk around, pretending to "browse" at $40 plain black hoodies which size run between small and XX small. While Chris picks out his $30 t-shirts that looks like Gerry Garcia's diarrhea from some bygone acid trip. Ooh but it's a BOAT CUT neck. If I want the necks of my t-shirts all loose and stretched, I'll do it the old fashioned way: by struggling to rescue a cheeto I dropped between my tits while in bed.

So whenever I would whine about how I hate that store, my friends who shop there go "well, they have hats and stuff too". I do not need a neon pink hipster army hat, nor some socks made out of cheese cloth. And the staff don't even bother to ASK if I need help with anything, such as the quickest means to exit the fucking store. And look, I went in with an open mind... I even browsed the pet items, to see if I could get some fashion forward collars and shit for my Boston Terrier, Coop... even he's too fat to shop there. Sorry he's not all SVELT like those fucking teacup dogs that the hosebags on TV have.

Recently in California, I was driving and spotted a billboard that rekindled my outrage for this chain of shame-shacks (which attempt to pose as "boutiques"). I did a quick search of GOOGLE to see if i could find the ad, unfortunately I could not. But its a girl, spread eagle, lifting her skirt and showing off a pair of underwear (why do they call it a "pair" when you only wear one?). And I just stared, incredulous at this thing. What is that supposed to sell exactly? I mean, was the old standard photos that Victoria's Secret and the JC Penny catalogs use deemed unaffective? That's like Trojan using a picture from Hustler to advertise condoms! You wouldn't show someone's asshole to advertise rolls of Charmin would you?! FUCK NO. It's like using "push it" by Salt N Peppa to sell Huggies.

This is the kind of shit that has fucked up our society. We need to get wet or hard before we buy anything. Do you use your smart phone for conferencing at your high power business job? Nope. You use it to jerk off to web porn while waiting for your order at Panera Bread. FOR SHAME AMERICA, FOR SHAME! American Apparel should be held legally responsible for all rapes and traffic accidents (within eyeshot) of one of their ads. They've already raped my sense of reality and justice... not to mention hope for a better society. I'm not advocating we become a bunch of overly moralized jesus freaks... but you don't need to show me cleavage to sell me a cheeseburger... i already feel anxious and ashamed when I eat Burger King as it is (mostly because we don't have any In N Out Burgers on the East Coast).

To further illustrate my point, below are a few pictures from AA ads... sexy yes, but superfluous all the same. If your clothing was any good (which its not, i'd rather see a girl in a tanktop from Target than any of that cack they peddle) you wouldn't need to hide behind some risque ad campaign.

The Logan Airport Experience...

Arrived 2 hours before my flight. I was 2nd in line to check my bag and get my boarding pass. Took 2 minutes. Waited for like 5-10 mins to get through security. No problem. Arrive at gate... still have to wait an hour and 45 mins til my flight. Lame.

Someone here smells like they ran a 5k inside of a bums asshole. My money's on the elderly Indian couple (dots, not feathers). Decided to get something to eat, got a $10 pepsi and a $20 pizza (done surprisingly well for a non chain kiosk). Family of Asians, all wearing Air Jordan flip flops with tube socks, also basketball shorts. Hey Jackie Chan, this isn't your living room. Too many babies around me already. Should have brought a second nicotine patch. Wonder if babies look as cute when you drop them from 20,000 feet. How high do planes fly? 20,000 sounds good to me. 40,000? Late-Middle Aged white woman traveling with black teenager, lovers? Or hostage. Woman looks like she backed into a doorknob, but is okay with it.

Couldn't get online for almost an hour. There are signs all over the place advertising "free wifi", of course, to recieve free wifi, they don't tell you that you have to do some bullshit thru a sponsor. Luckily my sponsor was google, so I don't mind. Now we're up and running, and i'll probably board in like 20 mins. Definitely gonna need a whiskey or 4. Is there anything faster than a non-stop flight? How come we have Extenze for Women these days, but still no teleportation? Let's spend a little less time on fading acne scars and liverspots and get on that shit... my time is valuable (obviously). Can't forget to mention the dude who helped the few of us here with laptops we didn't assemble ourselves (asian joke) get online looks like an 80s punk... might be the guy from the Germs.

Can't tell if this 13 year old asian kid is wearing a Power Rangers t-shirt ironically or not. Isn't it a bit soon? I think Ultraman would have been way cooler. Of course, no one remembers that so... Can't wait to get this show on the road. Grandma is looking at Where's Waldo book with granddaughter... i'm sort of jealous... trying to play along over their shoulder... though it's awkward because I spilled pizza sauce on my shorts and they're still drying in the men's room. Mother of the Waldo children looks kinda like Snookie (or is it Snooky?) from Jersey Shore, only older and taller, and not sticky. Three kids really takes some of the piss and vinegar out of you.

Alrighty, I'm gonna go refinance my house so I can get an airport cookie.

Hot blonde girl I passed earlier appears to be on my flight... implausibly large carry on in tow. How does she not have to check that fucking thing... its bigger than the bag I checked! Probably because of her cans... damn classist society. At least MINE are real. Slut. I actually hopes she doesn't sit next to me. Ok wait, 50/50. Either way i'm about to join the mile high club, solo aviator division.

Going To God's House...

Last weekend, for the first time in years, I went to my friend God's house. I always hate going over to God's really. I mean, it IS a big to-do. Everyone in the neighborhood goes. But you have to get all dressed up, and get there early. I mean, who throws a party at 10am on a Sunday?! I really prefer to sleep in. Couldn't God throw like an evening Barbecue or something? Also, God hates it when you're late, so we always get a seat up front, so he thinks we're better friends than we really are. But if we were such good friends, I'd probably attend his parties much more often. Don't get me wrong, he's not such a bad guy, I know he's got a stressful job... it's just really hard to enjoy myself. I mean, not for nothing, but when I invite people over to my house, I make sure they're comfortable and welcome. But the seating at God's house is so uncomfortable. These long, hard wooden benches... can't God afford some couches? Beanbag chairs at the very least. And I always have to sit next to someone I don't know, but at God's house, we aren't allowed to converse really. And for some reason, God never shows up to his own parties! So amongst all the discomfort, I gotta listen to God's TA... and his taste in music kinda sucks. I don't know for sure, but God seems like he'd be more into ZZ Top or Edgar Winter or something. And all the standing and sitting and standing, then kneeling. It's like c'mon, i'm not training for the Olympics, I just came to visit my friend God, who doesn't even have the decency to grace us with his presence... though, I heard he throws parties all over the world every Sunday, so I guess it's presumptive of me to believe he could be EVERYWHERE AT ONCE. The worst part about going to God's house is the refreshments! I mean, there's hardly enough to go around. If you're lucky you get one bland cracker (which you have to eat out of the dirty hands of God's TA like a trained seal), and only one sip of wine! I mean, who want's to go to a party every week that's BYOB?! I had to find out the hard way that they don't allow outside drinks. It's just not fair.

So i'm sorry God, I don't want to offend. But I don't think i'll be attending anymore of your parties. You're a good guy, and I really dig your philosophies... mostly. But it's just not my scene. I have nothing in common with anyone else there, and I have other things to do that day. But hey, you're always welcome at my house. And you don't have to bring anything, we'll have food and drink and dance music. And you can sit where ever you want. And it's totally cool if you want to mingle with everyone, you don't just have to focus on me, and my needs. And don't worry, i'll be there in person. And dude, I would never ever serve you pieces of my son's body or his blood. Because, I mean, yeah it's cool he died for our sins... but i'm not really sure how eating him for 2,000 years has helped anyone. I think we'll have pizza rolls or chips and dip. And you're totally welcome to a mixed drink if you're not super into wine that night. And if you want, i'll whip out the ol' acoustic, and we'll rock out on "Running With The Devil", just for fun. Okay... so no hard feelings. And if I don't hear from you, I won't take it personally... I'll just keep on keepin on.

Take Care Bro,