Last weekend, for the first time in years, I went to my friend God's house. I always hate going over to God's really. I mean, it IS a big to-do. Everyone in the neighborhood goes. But you have to get all dressed up, and get there early. I mean, who throws a party at 10am on a Sunday?! I really prefer to sleep in. Couldn't God throw like an evening Barbecue or something? Also, God hates it when you're late, so we always get a seat up front, so he thinks we're better friends than we really are. But if we were such good friends, I'd probably attend his parties much more often. Don't get me wrong, he's not such a bad guy, I know he's got a stressful job... it's just really hard to enjoy myself. I mean, not for nothing, but when I invite people over to my house, I make sure they're comfortable and welcome. But the seating at God's house is so uncomfortable. These long, hard wooden benches... can't God afford some couches? Beanbag chairs at the very least. And I always have to sit next to someone I don't know, but at God's house, we aren't allowed to converse really. And for some reason, God never shows up to his own parties! So amongst all the discomfort, I gotta listen to God's TA... and his taste in music kinda sucks. I don't know for sure, but God seems like he'd be more into ZZ Top or Edgar Winter or something. And all the standing and sitting and standing, then kneeling. It's like c'mon, i'm not training for the Olympics, I just came to visit my friend God, who doesn't even have the decency to grace us with his presence... though, I heard he throws parties all over the world every Sunday, so I guess it's presumptive of me to believe he could be EVERYWHERE AT ONCE. The worst part about going to God's house is the refreshments! I mean, there's hardly enough to go around. If you're lucky you get one bland cracker (which you have to eat out of the dirty hands of God's TA like a trained seal), and only one sip of wine! I mean, who want's to go to a party every week that's BYOB?! I had to find out the hard way that they don't allow outside drinks. It's just not fair.
So i'm sorry God, I don't want to offend. But I don't think i'll be attending anymore of your parties. You're a good guy, and I really dig your philosophies... mostly. But it's just not my scene. I have nothing in common with anyone else there, and I have other things to do that day. But hey, you're always welcome at my house. And you don't have to bring anything, we'll have food and drink and dance music. And you can sit where ever you want. And it's totally cool if you want to mingle with everyone, you don't just have to focus on me, and my needs. And don't worry, i'll be there in person. And dude, I would never ever serve you pieces of my son's body or his blood. Because, I mean, yeah it's cool he died for our sins... but i'm not really sure how eating him for 2,000 years has helped anyone. I think we'll have pizza rolls or chips and dip. And you're totally welcome to a mixed drink if you're not super into wine that night. And if you want, i'll whip out the ol' acoustic, and we'll rock out on "Running With The Devil", just for fun. Okay... so no hard feelings. And if I don't hear from you, I won't take it personally... I'll just keep on keepin on.
Take Care Bro,