Sunday, July 18, 2010

The Logan Airport Experience...

Arrived 2 hours before my flight. I was 2nd in line to check my bag and get my boarding pass. Took 2 minutes. Waited for like 5-10 mins to get through security. No problem. Arrive at gate... still have to wait an hour and 45 mins til my flight. Lame.

Someone here smells like they ran a 5k inside of a bums asshole. My money's on the elderly Indian couple (dots, not feathers). Decided to get something to eat, got a $10 pepsi and a $20 pizza (done surprisingly well for a non chain kiosk). Family of Asians, all wearing Air Jordan flip flops with tube socks, also basketball shorts. Hey Jackie Chan, this isn't your living room. Too many babies around me already. Should have brought a second nicotine patch. Wonder if babies look as cute when you drop them from 20,000 feet. How high do planes fly? 20,000 sounds good to me. 40,000? Late-Middle Aged white woman traveling with black teenager, lovers? Or hostage. Woman looks like she backed into a doorknob, but is okay with it.

Couldn't get online for almost an hour. There are signs all over the place advertising "free wifi", of course, to recieve free wifi, they don't tell you that you have to do some bullshit thru a sponsor. Luckily my sponsor was google, so I don't mind. Now we're up and running, and i'll probably board in like 20 mins. Definitely gonna need a whiskey or 4. Is there anything faster than a non-stop flight? How come we have Extenze for Women these days, but still no teleportation? Let's spend a little less time on fading acne scars and liverspots and get on that shit... my time is valuable (obviously). Can't forget to mention the dude who helped the few of us here with laptops we didn't assemble ourselves (asian joke) get online looks like an 80s punk... might be the guy from the Germs.

Can't tell if this 13 year old asian kid is wearing a Power Rangers t-shirt ironically or not. Isn't it a bit soon? I think Ultraman would have been way cooler. Of course, no one remembers that so... Can't wait to get this show on the road. Grandma is looking at Where's Waldo book with granddaughter... i'm sort of jealous... trying to play along over their shoulder... though it's awkward because I spilled pizza sauce on my shorts and they're still drying in the men's room. Mother of the Waldo children looks kinda like Snookie (or is it Snooky?) from Jersey Shore, only older and taller, and not sticky. Three kids really takes some of the piss and vinegar out of you.

Alrighty, I'm gonna go refinance my house so I can get an airport cookie.

Hot blonde girl I passed earlier appears to be on my flight... implausibly large carry on in tow. How does she not have to check that fucking thing... its bigger than the bag I checked! Probably because of her cans... damn classist society. At least MINE are real. Slut. I actually hopes she doesn't sit next to me. Ok wait, 50/50. Either way i'm about to join the mile high club, solo aviator division.

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